Lessons on Compliments and Insults

"I don't know how to relate to guys. For some reason, I always tend to insult them."
"But you talked to guys tonight! You can talk to them."
"Didn't you hear everything I said to them tonight? [Example] and [example.] When I talk to boys, I only insult them!"
"Ohh."

That was the beginning of a conversation I had with my roommate Jenny the other night, and while we laughed at first, this has been a topic on my mind for, well, a lot of my life, but it has been on the forefront of my mind most recently this past week. It's difficult for me to talk to guys, so when I do, I tend to joke and insult them. And I probably feel at my lowest afterward when I am by myself, and I realize what a rampant, obnoxious monster my mouth is.

I can't say I know why I do this. I've had a few ideas, such as my lack of common interests with the opposite sex. Like many girls, I've grown up around boys who constantly joke and insult one another, so I figured that was the only way I could carry conversation with them -- if I also joked and insulted them.

Another idea is that they typically laugh when I insult them, and it's one of the few times I feel like I might be a little entertaining, a little funny. So I continue to do it, because I want attention, as much as I hate admitting that.

Now, let's venture to the other side: compliments. If a guy gives me a compliment, I don't trust it. I automatically assume he is forcing himself to give me one, that he doesn't mean it because I don't think I'm good enough to be complimented, or that he is belittling me in some way...

Man musters words/courage/time/whatever to compliment woman; woman questions man; man feels disrespected and unappreciated; woman feels toyed with and insecure; man stops complimenting...

...And we as women ask why men don't compliment us more?

I'm really bad at complimenting people. I feel cheesy when I do it. I feel as if my compliment has no impact on them because it's something they hear all the time. And I don't know what it is, but the biggest thing that keeps me from complimenting people is my fear that if I do, they're going to think, "Who are you to compliment me? Of course I'm good! I'm better than you. Who are you to speak?"

Let's take a moment to process how extremely ridiculous that thinking is.

But seriously. This clicked in my mind when I was in worship band practice yesterday. I don't know if other vocalists have ever felt this way, but I have an extreme inferiority complex when it comes to singing in bands. I've sung in worship bands since I was 10, but I've never understood music theory, how to set up the equipment, the technical musical lingo, etc. Everyone else uses an instrument, and I just have my voice. I've always felt like I have nothing to contribute, that my input doesn't matter, and that everyone else is basically so much better than I am. Not to mention that I'm normally the only girl on the band, and as you read above, I'm terrible at talking to guys -- so really, you know this is going to be a disaster.

So after a practice or performance, I always debate whether I should compliment the other band members (the guys) or not. Sometimes I do, but I feel awkward doing so. Why? Because I truly believe that when I compliment them, they're thinking, "Duh, I know I'm good. I've been playing this instrument all my life. I could do this in my sleep. This is nothing new to me." And I never think they're thinking this in an egotistical way; I'm just having this whole thought process because I feel inferior. And because I feel inferior and I care too much what people are going to think about me, I hold my tongue and I miss opportunity upon opportunity to encourage someone else.

My own insecurities and low self-esteem are in fact the cause and effect of my own pride and self-centeredness.

I know this post was a bit scattered, but those are personal observations I have made over the past week, and I know (well, I hope) I'm not the only who can see this in her or himself. So, lesson? These are all lies Satan feeds us, to keep us from relating to people, from encouraging each other, from trusting each other. Don't believe a word he says. Instead, if someone insults you, don't respond with an insult. If someone compliments you, believe them and simply say, "Thank you!" When you see someone, note the positive things and compliment them. This is an area in our relationships that a lot of us need to work on!

Photo source.